Now that I have hit the weekend, and have space to breathe, I have come to the conclusion that my mental health is really not doing that great. Last nights mini breakdown about Chester kind of showed that. I have also been drinking a lot of alcohol recently; a sure fire warning sign for me that something is awry. Its a quick fix for all manner of shit in my head. But as soon as the alcohol fog clears, nasty brain usually comes back with avengence, leading to more drinking and the cycle continues.
Alcohol is a known depressant. Over time, I know it worsens my mood. I have seen it happen so many times before. But the temptation for that quick fix, the instant shift in consciousness to a lighter mood, can be overwhelming. I am sitting here, at home alone, desperately fighting the temptation to go round the corner and buy a bottle of wine. Thank fuck there is none in the house because I’d be long gone by now!
There is some positivity from all this. My other half laughs at me- I’m the girl who has a drink and decides she wants to change the world! Alcohol makes me feel empowered to stand up for what I think is right, impassioned to go out and do something to make all of our lives better. And it gives me the confidence to think that I can do it.
I have been spouting a lot of slightly out-there ideas lately about what I want to do with my life. My other half postulated today that perhaps this is a sign I’m not doing too well mentally. I am desperate to change my life. My job. I’m not happy. This has happened before when I have been low. Hell, its why I ended up leaving my old job and moving half-way across the country! But, this time, I have come up with an awesome idea of where I want my life to go next. Creativity borne out of adversity. And yes, this may all just be a symptom of my inner mental state, but the idea I have is just too juicy not to pursue. So watch this space.
If nothing else, it’s something to keep me motivated to get through the day.
Now, what else can I do to distract myself from alcohol cravings until I’m tired enough to sleep…