I have had this blog for a while now- I use it to write down my feelings. Get things off my chest. But I have always kept it hidden. I decided to change that today.
So I had a shit day. People being arseholes. Being pulled in every direction by different groups expecting that bit more from you, but you simply don’t have the time to deliver. I barely stopped for lunch. To be honest, it has been the same all week.
I think that’s what you get for working front-line NHS.
Few people seem to have the time or brain space to think about each others mental health. I’m not talking about asking each other to spill your innermost feelings, but I mean just treating each other with kindness. Thanking each other for their work. Appreciating that everyone is working their hardest. Smiling. I have had a few people today that have managed to leave me feeling like complete shit.
On the journey home, I couldn’t stop thinking about Chester Bennington. I even had a little cry when I got in. I think it’s because it reminded me of how awful I felt when I was at my lowest. It doesn’t take much for me to be able to imagine how he was feeling. All day I have been struggling with feelings of “I’m not good enough” and “I’m stupid”, and believing that others think the worst of me. Poisonous little thoughts that repeatedly try to undermine my self-confidence. It can be a real battle for the rational mind to keep these thoughts under control.
Of course, nobody would ever know all this is going on from the outside. I’m good at smiling on command, providing appropriate light conversation and pretending I’m less affected by things than I am. But the inside is so completely different. I think this is a reflection of our culture. Keep calm and carry on. The poisonous, broken part of my mind leaves me feeling embarrassed for who I am.
1 in 5 people will know what I’m talking about. 4 in 5 won’t. Fortunately, the strong part of my mind wants to shout from the rooftops about what it’s like to have this illness. To raise awareness. So that those who are struggling will feel its OK to talk about it. For those 4 in 5, you are incredibly lucky that your brain is wired properly. Have a thought for those who may need help. Just being polite, kind, or even just a smile can make a big difference.
And for those who still live in the dark ages, depression is an incredibly complex illness. It is not something you can snap out of. Those with depression often have deep-rooted beliefs about themselves (i.e. I’m not good enough) that are extremely difficult to get rid of. Sometimes your rational mind is able to control it. Other times, your nasty mind is shouting too loud, leaving you feeling worthless, guilty, frustrated, exhausted, and sometimes even like there is simply no point in your existence.
RIP Chester, I’m so sad you lost your bravely fought battle. Your words have always affected me, and now I think I understand why.
P.S. Stupid title for this video with cheesy background music, but here is Chester explaining exactly what I am trying to articulate